Wednesday, April 16, 2014

start living now

A few days ago I was having one of those awesome, deep road-trip conversations with my mom. We were talking about the college ministry I work with, and all the transition we've experienced this year. And I started freaking out and crying because while sometimes I feel certain that God has called me to this work and this place, other times I am terrified that I've made a huge mistake and I have no business trying to do what I do. I don't know what I'm doing, the guy I've been coleading with is transitioning out of leadership and what happens when I mess it up and the ministry dies because I'm lazy and I hate talking to new people?
My freak-out isn't that uncommon. Every few months it seems like I start second guessing my choice of career and then consequently all my life choices. I'm almost 30. I'm single and I have a super messy roommate who drives me bonkers. I don't have any major debt but I'm also constantly broke. Things have been weird with my best friend since she started dating someone. I get paid next to nothing to wake up at 3am to go make coffee for people, and the rest of my salary is me asking people for money (also known as support raising).  Life is hard.
So I freak out for a while, but in a few days I manage to sort things out, to remember that I love the work I do, both with coffee and with college ministry. My family loves me and is incredibly generous with me. I love my house and I have a pair of very affectionate cats to keep me company at night. I am satisfied with the life I've been given. 
Today the sun is shining, and I got a few extra hours of sleep because my roommate volunteered to work the opening shift. I've been working out and eating healthy. Life feels good today, and I even started to dream about the future. What is my dream for the college ministry? What are my dreams for myself? Turning 30 in just over a month feels like a big deal, because I thought I would feel like a real adult, and that I'd have my life together. But the more I talk about it, the more people keep telling me I'm so young. I guess it's starting to sink in. I look at the older people around me, my parents and the ladies in my Bible study group (some more than twice my age!) and my aunts & uncles and the people at my church -- and they are living. They are enjoying a full and happy life.
I've always kind of looked forward to being old. Having a lifetime of experiences and the wisdom that comes with it is terribly appealing. But I won't have rich experiences and learn from my mistakes and become wise and deep without LIVING a little bit before I get old. So instead of thinking about how I've failed, or how my life is still a mess at 30, I'm starting to think about what I can do from here. How else do I want to grow professionally? What's my dream for the future of my ministry? What have I always wanted to do?  What things bring me deep joy, and how can I do more of them?  How can I live fuller NOW?