inspiration

I saw this video today, over at High Calling Blogs.

Inspiring, no?

Hiding

I have been living in Pittsburgh for 3 and a half years now, but I feel it's important to tell people as often as I can that my heart is still in Indiana. (Chances are, if you know me and you're reading this, then you already knew that.) My hometown is the most beautiful place I know, and I love being with my family. Trips home are not frequent, but I cherish them even more because of that. I am so excited for my trip home this Christmas that I have already bought and wrapped most of my gifts! When I'm at home, I really prefer to spend most of my time on the farm. I hate going out shopping, to the grocery stores, and I sometimes even feel weird about going to church. I'm always afraid I'm going to run into someone I know.

I don't like running into people from my "past life." Teachers I had in elementary school, or people I went to high school with -- meetings with them are always awkward, and if I have the opportunity I'll usually pretend that I didn't see them and walk the other way.

Tonight, I was looking through pictures of my brother's girlfriend, who I will meet for the first time at Christmas (alright, call it Facebook stalking if you must), and I realized that I'm both excited about and dreading meeting her.

In May, after four great years living in Pittsburgh, I'll be moving back to Indiana! This great news makes my heart sing! But, I know that once I'm living there, I won't be able to hide on the farm all the time. Eventually I will run into people from my "past life" -- and I am terrified.

My great joy at being back in a place I dearly love is being overshadowed by what I now recognize as embarrassment. I don't like the person I've become. I don't want to meet my brother's lovely girlfriend because I am sure that I won't measure up. I don't want to run into people who knew me in high school or college because I know how they will react: "Well, she's not doing very well..."

I'm afraid that the people I meet will judge me the same way that I judge myself. I'm nothing like the person that I hope to be:: I've gained a lot of weight. I'm introverted and don't like talking to people. I don't put people at ease. I'm not a good networker. I am not a spiritual person. I've not been successful with my career. I have no direction for my life. I earn a crappy wage for a part-time job. I'm awkward in conversation. I am not kind.

I could continue that list for pages. And I could set myself a regimen of healthy eating, exercise, prayer and scripture, soul-searching, generosity, and socializing for the next six months. But I know I wouldn't stick with it and it would be just another thing that I failed to finish.

The chasm between who I am and who I want to be is immense. In the face of such a huge discrepancy, I feel like it will be easier for me to dig myself a hole over here and keep hiding.

Thankful

I am thankful:

--that my mom is healthy.

--for my dad's dedication.

--for furry friends to make me smile.

--for my brother's enthusiasm.

--that I found my soul-sister.

--for God's providence and faithfulness.

--that I have a job, a house, and a car.

--for this little yellow house.

What are you thankful for today?

Fooood...

Finished:

pecan pie

apple pie

mashed potatoes

cranberry sauce

To-Do Today:

whiskey-glazed carrots

gluten free stuffing

Let the feasting begin!

Six Things on Sunday

It's been a while... Just a few things that have been bubbling around in my head recently!

1. I'm working part-time at Starbucks. And yes, I really do like it! I like knowing all about the coffees and teas we have, helping customers pick what they want, making people smile when I remember their drinks. But it takes a special kind of attitude for me to be polite when others aren't, to take direction, and juggle 27 different tasks at once!

2. One of the unfortunate parts of working at Starbucks is that I have to work on Sunday mornings, and can only get to church every other Sunday. My soul starves when I don't have the blessing of a community to lift me up and bring me back into intimacy with God.

3. My small group just started a four-week study called the Advent Conspiracy. My favorite bookseller blogged about it here, and you can check out the website here. The four themes are worship fully, spend less, give more, and love all.

4. I've been rereading a lot of old science fiction books that my uncle got me hooked on when I was in high school. Part of me feels like a dork for reading books about dragons and telekinetic powers (different series)... but I also just love the stories.

5. Switchfoot's new album, Hello Hurricane, is fabulous. My favorite lyrics of the moment are from "Mess of Me." I've made a mess of me / I wanna get back the rest of me / I wanna spend the rest of my life alive / I've made a mess of me / I wanna reverse this tragedy / I wanna spend the rest of my life alive

6. Rabbits make great pets!

Music makes me cry sometimes

On my way home from work a few days ago, I heard Phil Wickham's song "Divine Romance." It's on one of my current favorite mix cd's, and it is absolutely beautiful. Despite my familiarity with songs, I can be powerfully affected by a particular one multiple times, depending on my mood and the atmosphere. I'll be honest -- I've cried listening to "Divine Romance" before. Most often, when I am emotionally moved by music, I am worshipping. But the other day, I realized that I was crying because none of the words I was singing were true. I cried because my prayers were not full, rich, or bright, and neither was my life. I cried for everything lacking in my life, and everything I wished that I was.

I suppose in some sense, my tears that day were worship. Only in our emptiness do we realize how much we need filled.

The fullness of your grace is here with me

The richness of your beauty's all I see

The brightness of your glory has arrived

In your presence God, I'm completely satisfied

A prayer for a new semester

A month ago, I got a surprise package in the mail - a thoughtful gift from a good friend. It was a Celtic Daily Prayer book from a religious community in Scotland. They say it takes a month to form a habit, so I've been taking advantage of the extra time I have from only working part-time and trying to set a habit to use it every day. Yesterday morning I didn't know what day it was, and accidentally read too far. So this morning, instead of reading the same thing two days in a row, I skimmed through the book at some of the other sections not used in the daily prayer.

I stumbled on this one, and wanted to share. I thought it was appropriate since a new semester at the college started yesterday. (It's meant to be used in a group, with the sections in bold spoken in unison.)

Prayers for committing our work to God

This day is Your gift to me;

I take it, Lord, from Your hand

and thank You for the wonder of it.

God be with me

in this Your day,

every day

and every way,

with me and for me

in this Your day;

and the love

and affection

of heaven

be toward me.

All that I am, Lord,

I place into your hands.

All that I do, Lord,

I place into your hands.

Everything I work for

I place into your hands.

Everything I hope for

I place into your hands.

The troubles that weary me

I place into your hands.

The thoughts that disturb me

I place into your hands.

Each that I pray for

I place into your hands.

Each that I care for

I place into your hands.

I place into Your hands, Lord,

the choices that I face.

Guard me from choosing

the way perilous

of which the end is heart-pain

and the secret tear.

Rich in counsel,

show us the way

that is plain and safe.

May I feel Your presence

at the heart of my desire,

and so know it for Your desire for me.

Thus shall I prosper,

thus see that my purpose is from You,

thus have the power to do the good which endures.

Show me what blessing it is

that I have work to do.

And sometimes,

and most of all

when the day is overcast

and my courage faints,

let me hear Your voice, saying,

'You are my beloved one

in whom I am well pleased.'

Stand at the crossroads and look,

ask for the ancient paths,

ask where the good way is,

and walk in it,

and you will find rest for your souls.

In the name of Christ we stand,

and in His name

move out across the land

in fearfulness and blessing.

To gather the Kingdom to the King

and claim this land for God:

a task indeed.

Give us to see Your will,

and power to walk in its path;

and lo! the night is routed and gone.

Lord, hasten the day

when those who fear You in every nation

will come from the east and west,

from north and south,

and sit at table in Your Kingdom.

And, Lord,

let Your glory be seen in our land.

He has shown you, O man, what is right;

and what does the Lord require of you,

but to do justly, and to love mercy

and to walk humbly with your God?

Keep me close to You, Lord.

Keep me close to You.

I lift my hands to You, Lord.

I lift them up to You.

Hands, Lord, Your gift to us,

we stretch them up to You.

Always You hold them.

Help me to find my happiness

in my acceptance

of what is Your purpose for me:

in friendly eyes, in work well done,

in quietness born of trust,

and, most of all,

in the awareness of Your presence

in my spirit.